My Dad goes on benders every now and again and  drunk dialing is a very real side effect of these episodes. Below please find some tips and tricks based on my experience as a recipient of his calls.

1) Always make sure you call at a time that will freak the person you are calling out. For example, if your daughter lives in a time zone that is 4 hours behind you and you call her at 11 p.m. her time, she might think that there has been a medical emergency when really you are drunk and bored. Fun!

2) If you are drunk with a friend or family member, you MUST call everyone that you know mutually.

3) If someone doesn’t pick up the first time you call, call a minimum of 18 more times.

4) Leave a voice mail message each of the 18 additional times that you call.

5) Tell the recipient how proud you are of them, and how much you love them as often as possible.

6) If you have called more than 30 times without a response, it is appropriate to start leaving voice mail messages that suggest that the recipient is an asshole. Use words like, “asshole”.

7) Share important life changing information with your children in voice mails, e.g., “I’m going to run for politics!” Why not!