I haven’t done one of these in a while but I think it’s about time I’m ready for this week to be over and am glad that I’m getting back on stage it took me forever to get to work today last night was awesome I went to fresh choice and got to have some cornbread I am pretty sure that if there is a god and he or she eats food that cornbread is a major staple of his or her diet I really need a manicure badly it looks like I tried to dig myself out of a grave I also hit snooze 5 times this morning which might be a new record for me which makes me think about that Seinfeld where Jerry says they should pretty much put a bottle of tequila next to the snooze button because you are a loser but I don’t think that’s true at all I would like to be in a competition where situations are presented and you have to relate it to a Seinfeld episode in less than 30 seconds I am pretty sure that I would dominate that competition for some reason I just thought about my friend Malcolm and wonder if he’s going read this because I think he was a fan of the stream of consiousness blog post I have so much laundry to do it’s outrageous and I’m pretty sure that my cat hates me but I hate my cat too my CEO just came over and talked to me while I was doing this but hey it’s a creative exercise and I’m a creative person I think it should be fine I was on a dating rampage for a few weeks there and now I couldn’t be less interested in dating I wonder what that is all about why I flip flop between caring and not caring weird

Things I may or may not have done, I will let you guess:

-Gotten a really restful night of sleep
-Pushed a Brazilian guy at 8 a.m. in a Casino (it was in defense of a friend!)
-Had a shot of Patron at 10 a.m.
-A ton of writing
-Eaten sushi
-Stayed up all night
-Missed my flight
-Met Mr. T
-Worn my clothes from the night before on the plane at 3 p.m. the next day
-Almost puked on the walking sidewalk at the airport
-Gotten arrested
-Drank beers out of chalices
-Won big $$$

It’s annoying enough when the people you work with are CONSTANTLY using their kids as an excuse to get off early.  “I have a childcare emergency!”  COME ON!  I’m sure it’s often true, but the bitch of it is that you can’t call someone on a kid excuse.  It’s just not done.

Now that I’m 33 and single, I end up dating single fathers now and again.  And I have to admit, I’m slightly suspicious when they have to cancel and cite their kid as the reason why.

I am sure that these guys are being honest.  In fact I blame my co-workers* for dulling my senses to “alleged” childcare issues.  Stop taking advantage!  Not that I think you are, cause as I said, calling someone on the kid excuse just isn’t done.

*Note: when referring to co-workers I don’t mean you.  I mean people that I USED to work with.  And if I used to work with you, I don’t mean you either.

The other day I went to the mall, specifically to go to Torrid.  Torrid is basically plus-sized Hot Topic, which probably sounds like a really bad idea, but I love it.  Amongst friends I refer to it as “the slutty fat girl’s store”.   It’s a joke, relax people.

What dawned on me was that plus-sized stores at malls are usually located right next to the food court.  Nine times out of 10 when you see a Torrid or Lane Bryant there is something edible within 20 paces away.  Who makes that decision?  The franchise or the mall store placement planner?  Even better, has someone conducted studies that prove that food court sales increase when plus-sized stores are nearby?

This particular Torrid is not only right next to the food court, but there is also a Mrs. Fields cart right in front of it.  The hilarity of walking out of the mall with a Torrid bag and a Mrs. Fields bag right next to it was not lost on me, as I walked out of the mall with a Torrid bag and a Mrs. Fields bag right next to it.

I went to Vegas this past weekend. It was a shit show. Went on a double date with a guy who is a rapper and irons pleats into his jeans. Also got back to my hotel room at 8 a.m. on Sunday. I am too old for both of these things.

I have lived in the US for close to 8 years, and feel that I have observed enough to identify the main ways that Americans are different from Canadians.

Americans:

1) Like sports I hate

2) Drink and drive a LOT.  In fact I wonder if they have Mother’s FOR Drunk Driving here…  It’s true though, you guys do it a lot more than we do in Canadaland.

3) Think that Krispy Kreme invented donuts (and that Krispy Kremes are good donuts, yick!)

4) Have never met a buffet they didn’t love.

Updated: see most recent communication below.

My Dad and sister are trying to make a trip to San Francisco so that we can spend some quality time just “us kids and the old man” stylee.  Check out the warm email exchange as we work to plan a visit that is sure to delight.

______

Dad:

Girls I am planning to “blow this scene”on the 17th.  Stop in “TO” for two days,then head on for cuckooland! Question: let me know if this works—especially you Sheila.  Oh yes,will be headed back on the 24th to bluenoseland.

Gone,love,the old fart!

Me:

Christ I am only going to be there for 4 days—get a life!!

Go tell the “trannies” I’ll be com’n over for a dance!

This afternoon I play in a concert. We are playing some real swingers; Hello Dolly, Somewhere Over the Rainbow followed by, I Got Laid in Sausalito, that is the “flip side”of I Left my Heart in San Francisco.

Gone,Love you both–the Old Fart!!

My Sister:

Can you two morons tell me the actual dates?

Dad:

1 – No phone calls.

2 – You hate your cell mates / the people you are sitting next to.

3 – The toilets are made out of steel.

4 – Limited reading materials.

5 – IF you get fed, it’s never enough to feel satisfied.

I went to see No Doubt last night with five friends. The show was AMAZING. A few things I loved and learned:

1 – Gwen Stefani’s abs. Two kids, and her stomach is like a washboard. How does that happen?

2 – Telling someone they have meth face is never not funny.  (Not you Gwen, you have angelitis of the face)

3 – I should ditch stand-up and start a band. I think I can make a lot more money that way- 22,000 attendees at at least $50 a pop? Dave K and I decided we’re going to start one and call it, “Some Doubt”. Makes sense, right?

4 – Performance-wise, having genuine fun on stage and including the audience whenever possible is a universal rule-of-thumb.

5 – Shoreline Ampitheater can suck it with their horrid parking. I was considering going to Rock the Bells but won’t go knowing what I know now.

6 – Knock knock jokes about hurricanes are divisive by nature.

7 – When you are a drummer for No Doubt you can perform in your underpants.  Fun!

8 – Lady rappers rhyming about cunnilingus is as entertaining as it is informational.