especially when they watch a lot of stand-up and think that they know everything about it even when they have never gotten on the mic themselves. And when a woman has been successful doing it, they get bitter. Hey a-holes, don’t get crusty at me because I have the balls to do something you don’t.

That is all.

Performed in San Jose last night, at The Britannia Arms.

Liked:

-Dude who took his pants off on stage

-The Fish and Chips

-The women on the lineup, really solid writers

-20 oz Bud Lites

-Mr. Walker’s hat

-Handsome comics

-Seeing Tyler Hinz, delightful on stage and off

-Pete Munoz’s brother’s glasses

Didn’t Like

-Dude who took his pants off on stage

-The drive home

-My shoes sticking to the carpet when I stood still

-The lady who tried to bust in on me in the bathroom, I thought I was about to get murdered

Look out SJ, I’ll be back!

My Dad comes from a long line of drunken fishermen.

One of them was named Bub who had a pet parrot that he won in a poker game with pirates. He also had a pet fox named Prince Charles who lived in a dog house in his backyard.

Pretty sure he’s the reason I like rum, too.

1 ) The first time I ever had Mountain Dew was at my Uncle Steve’s bar in Kansas. He no longer owns it, but my love of the beverage lives on.

2 ) I was once engaged to be married. To a man.

3 ) I have been watching the Young & The Restless since I was 10 years old. Not only have I been watching it for more than 23 years, but it is a multigenerational tradition in my family. My Mother watches it, and so does my Grandmother.

4 ) I once got kicked by a horse. HARD.

5 ) I once got stung by a jelly fish.

6 ) I had fucked up teeth as a kid, and while they were getting fixed I had headgear. I thought my headgear was cool and wore it to school one day, then I got my ass kicked.

7 ) I used to canoe a lot.

8 ) I was once in a car with someone who shit their pants WHILE they were driving. It was one of the funniest moments of my life.

9 ) Sometimes I get a hotel room in San Francisco and don’t tell anyone about it.

10 ) The only time I feel like smoking (besides when I’m drinking) is when I’m driving a car.

I haven’t done one of these in a while but I think it’s about time I’m ready for this week to be over and am glad that I’m getting back on stage it took me forever to get to work today last night was awesome I went to fresh choice and got to have some cornbread I am pretty sure that if there is a god and he or she eats food that cornbread is a major staple of his or her diet I really need a manicure badly it looks like I tried to dig myself out of a grave I also hit snooze 5 times this morning which might be a new record for me which makes me think about that Seinfeld where Jerry says they should pretty much put a bottle of tequila next to the snooze button because you are a loser but I don’t think that’s true at all I would like to be in a competition where situations are presented and you have to relate it to a Seinfeld episode in less than 30 seconds I am pretty sure that I would dominate that competition for some reason I just thought about my friend Malcolm and wonder if he’s going read this because I think he was a fan of the stream of consiousness blog post I have so much laundry to do it’s outrageous and I’m pretty sure that my cat hates me but I hate my cat too my CEO just came over and talked to me while I was doing this but hey it’s a creative exercise and I’m a creative person I think it should be fine I was on a dating rampage for a few weeks there and now I couldn’t be less interested in dating I wonder what that is all about why I flip flop between caring and not caring weird

Things I may or may not have done, I will let you guess:

-Gotten a really restful night of sleep
-Pushed a Brazilian guy at 8 a.m. in a Casino (it was in defense of a friend!)
-Had a shot of Patron at 10 a.m.
-A ton of writing
-Eaten sushi
-Stayed up all night
-Missed my flight
-Met Mr. T
-Worn my clothes from the night before on the plane at 3 p.m. the next day
-Almost puked on the walking sidewalk at the airport
-Gotten arrested
-Drank beers out of chalices
-Won big $$$

It’s annoying enough when the people you work with are CONSTANTLY using their kids as an excuse to get off early.  “I have a childcare emergency!”  COME ON!  I’m sure it’s often true, but the bitch of it is that you can’t call someone on a kid excuse.  It’s just not done.

Now that I’m 33 and single, I end up dating single fathers now and again.  And I have to admit, I’m slightly suspicious when they have to cancel and cite their kid as the reason why.

I am sure that these guys are being honest.  In fact I blame my co-workers* for dulling my senses to “alleged” childcare issues.  Stop taking advantage!  Not that I think you are, cause as I said, calling someone on the kid excuse just isn’t done.

*Note: when referring to co-workers I don’t mean you.  I mean people that I USED to work with.  And if I used to work with you, I don’t mean you either.

The other day I went to the mall, specifically to go to Torrid.  Torrid is basically plus-sized Hot Topic, which probably sounds like a really bad idea, but I love it.  Amongst friends I refer to it as “the slutty fat girl’s store”.   It’s a joke, relax people.

What dawned on me was that plus-sized stores at malls are usually located right next to the food court.  Nine times out of 10 when you see a Torrid or Lane Bryant there is something edible within 20 paces away.  Who makes that decision?  The franchise or the mall store placement planner?  Even better, has someone conducted studies that prove that food court sales increase when plus-sized stores are nearby?

This particular Torrid is not only right next to the food court, but there is also a Mrs. Fields cart right in front of it.  The hilarity of walking out of the mall with a Torrid bag and a Mrs. Fields bag right next to it was not lost on me, as I walked out of the mall with a Torrid bag and a Mrs. Fields bag right next to it.