I went to Vegas this past weekend. It was a shit show. Went on a double date with a guy who is a rapper and irons pleats into his jeans. Also got back to my hotel room at 8 a.m. on Sunday. I am too old for both of these things.

I have lived in the US for close to 8 years, and feel that I have observed enough to identify the main ways that Americans are different from Canadians.

Americans:

1) Like sports I hate

2) Drink and drive a LOT.  In fact I wonder if they have Mother’s FOR Drunk Driving here…  It’s true though, you guys do it a lot more than we do in Canadaland.

3) Think that Krispy Kreme invented donuts (and that Krispy Kremes are good donuts, yick!)

4) Have never met a buffet they didn’t love.

Updated: see most recent communication below.

My Dad and sister are trying to make a trip to San Francisco so that we can spend some quality time just “us kids and the old man” stylee.  Check out the warm email exchange as we work to plan a visit that is sure to delight.

______

Dad:

Girls I am planning to “blow this scene”on the 17th.  Stop in “TO” for two days,then head on for cuckooland! Question: let me know if this works—especially you Sheila.  Oh yes,will be headed back on the 24th to bluenoseland.

Gone,love,the old fart!

Me:

Christ I am only going to be there for 4 days—get a life!!

Go tell the “trannies” I’ll be com’n over for a dance!

This afternoon I play in a concert. We are playing some real swingers; Hello Dolly, Somewhere Over the Rainbow followed by, I Got Laid in Sausalito, that is the “flip side”of I Left my Heart in San Francisco.

Gone,Love you both–the Old Fart!!

My Sister:

Can you two morons tell me the actual dates?

Dad:

1 – No phone calls.

2 – You hate your cell mates / the people you are sitting next to.

3 – The toilets are made out of steel.

4 – Limited reading materials.

5 – IF you get fed, it’s never enough to feel satisfied.

I went to see No Doubt last night with five friends. The show was AMAZING. A few things I loved and learned:

1 – Gwen Stefani’s abs. Two kids, and her stomach is like a washboard. How does that happen?

2 – Telling someone they have meth face is never not funny.  (Not you Gwen, you have angelitis of the face)

3 – I should ditch stand-up and start a band. I think I can make a lot more money that way- 22,000 attendees at at least $50 a pop? Dave K and I decided we’re going to start one and call it, “Some Doubt”. Makes sense, right?

4 – Performance-wise, having genuine fun on stage and including the audience whenever possible is a universal rule-of-thumb.

5 – Shoreline Ampitheater can suck it with their horrid parking. I was considering going to Rock the Bells but won’t go knowing what I know now.

6 – Knock knock jokes about hurricanes are divisive by nature.

7 – When you are a drummer for No Doubt you can perform in your underpants.  Fun!

8 – Lady rappers rhyming about cunnilingus is as entertaining as it is informational.

Sad to see him go but I’m excited about the possibility of a MJ tribute on So You Think You Can Dance next week!